The Big Kahuna:
Homo Immortus aka Vampyres aka Vampires
Vampires, as they are most commonly known, are creatures of the undead variety. They have existed since the beginning of time. One of their most popular creation myths is that they are descended from Angels. The story is that when the Angels were cast down from the heavens as they fell they became vampires with Lucifer, the Dark One, as the original vampire. Of course no one knows whether or not this is true and there is not really any way to prove it since Lucifer is rumored to have died* thousands of years ago.
*In my expert opinion I believe that something that old doesn’t just die, I’d rather believe that he is in more of a long sleep, waiting and watching for the right moment to come back into power.
Truth vs. Myth:
As you might guess, nothing exists as long as vampires have without creating a few myths of their own, that is why I have included this section to help you, dear reader, tell the truth from the myth.
Mirrors: Vampire have reflections…THE END. This was an old myth created years ago to calm people’s fears because if vampires did not have reflections then they didn’t have souls right? …wrong.
Holy Water: It won’t necessarily save your life against the creatures, but it will work. Holy Water can create nasty scars on vampires and it can be used to ward them off from yourself, your house, and anything else you want to protect from them. Of course, I wouldn’t advise going to your nearest (Catholic, Anglican, Eastern Orthodox, etc…) church and stacking up on it…you might look a little suspicious.
Sunlight: This is pretty much a given/well known fact: vampires and the Sun do not mix. However there are exceptions, while vampires do not sparkle in the sun, as one author once stated, they can develop immunity to the Sun as they age. The older and more powerful the vampire, the earlier they are able to rise (makes sense, right?). It is my theory that if you were to meet one that was old and powerful enough, it would be immune to sunlight; of course I haven’t really tested this theory because I probably wouldn’t be alive to tell the tale.
Religious Items: Contrary to popular belief not only crosses can deter vampires, in fact any religious item will work, as long as you believe in it. And it does not necessarily have to be a physical item, I have quoted the Bible…you might think it funny, but here I am…guess it worked.
Stakes: Now before you go getting your Buffy the Vampire Slayer on, hold up for a minute. Staking a Vampire will work but it’s kind of messy. I mean just think about it for a minute, a wooden stake going through a vampire…got the picture? Good. Let’s not do that again.
So how can I kill a vampire you might ask, well first off I would say chill your horses. This is not the time to try and become the next Buffy, Anita Blake, or Van Helsing, it’s not going to happen. The only time you should even think about killing a vampire is if you are face to face with one and it’s for self-defense. And if that is the case then I suggest you don’t think about it because if you do, then you’re probably already dead. Got it? Great. So my advice to you, and this is completely off the record because I don’t want to be liable if you get yourself killed, is to get a good gun and shoot it…with silver bullets (stock up on them, they work for most preternatural creatures except faeries, more on that later, but DO NOT try them on the fae!). THE END.
Blood: I feel like I shouldn’t have to say anything about this but until vampires “come out” I doubt there will be any kind of blood substitute drink that will be invented (even then, that’s a stretch) so until that horrible time, yes, they drink blood. And to answer your second question, yes they do have fangs and yes they do use them to pierce your skin, and yes the neck as well as other places with major veins are the most desirable spots…you have been warned.
Vampires have many powers and as with immunity to the Sun, they gain them with age. Now just because a vampire is old does not mean it’s powerful, just as some people are naturally followers, some vampires are as well. Common vampire powers include: mind control (never look a vampire, or most preternatural creatures for that matter, in the eyes), flight (some vampires have it, some don’t, it’s a “born” trait, not acquired), super-fast speed and strength. I’m sure there are others but, hey, I’m trying to save your life not spend all day listing powers.
How will you know if you see one? Well, you probably won’t but if you did see one the first thing you would notice is that they are paler that the average human. No matter their skin color vampires will seem to have a sort of translucent glow to their skin. Other than that and the fact that they seem to be a little more graceful than the average human, they will look ordinary. See, most people and authors of vampire lore always think and say that vampires are gorgeous creatures, that they have the ability to seduce you with one glance. Not really true, that is probably just the mind control (most preternatural creatures have some version of this so be wary). Sure there are some strikingly beautiful vampires but they were probably like that before they were turned. Vampires look just like us, if you are human that is, that’s the dangerous thing about them. How else would they have survived this long?
Side Note: Old Mr. Moore who never comes out in the daytime because of his “skin condition” or “sun allergy” could be your friendly neighborhood vampire…yes those do exist as well. So if you were thinking of using this guide to help you find a vampire who would then turn you, rid you of your “puberty blemishes” then you could become the Bella to his Edward (or vice versa), please think again.
And now the section you have all been waiting for… (yes twihards I’m talking to you):
How to Become a Vampire
I don’t know who would be foolish enough to buy this guide with the hope of tracking down a vampire so that it could turn them but if that’s your wish…so be it (just don’t try to plead for your life after the love of your sixteen-year-old heart dumps you and you go on a rampage through several towns).
Step Number 1: Find a willing vampire
Step Number 2: Say goodbye to everyone you know: I doubt they will believe you are a vampire, and if they do what will probably happen is that the FBI will hear of you and then you will become a test subject…if you are foolish enough to be caught
Step Number 3: Fake your death…you can’t just disappear.
Step Number 4: This is where it gets tricky because there are two options but the second is only done in emergency situations because it’s rather dangerous (…as if the rest of this process isn’t).
- 1st way: Over a series of three days the vampire will bite the human, drinking their blood and creating a bond between them. On the third day the vampire drinks almost all of the human’s blood, leaving just enough to keep the human barely alive and then exchanges some of their blood with the human. This is the best method because it creates a bond with the human making sure someone can control the crazy newbie vamp.
- 2nd way: Much more dangerous! The vampire drinks the human’s blood until they are nearly dead and then exchanges blood with them (really foolish).
Step Number 5: The human is then left and rises to become a vampire in 1-3 nights** depending on how powerful the vampire that created them is.
**Most people think that the human has to be buried in the ground with the vampire, I have even heard interpretations where they have to be buried in hallow ground not that that would make sense because of the whole vampires not mixing well with religious items regardless this is false. I mean can you really see a vampire actually getting in the ground with an undead human…I don’t think so.
Also the catch is that if the vampire for some reason does not finish “the deal” the human could become one of the undead, a restless soul wandering the Earth. Almost like a zombie out for vengeance on the one who stole its life. And since it’s kind of hard to get vampires to hold to their promises once you’re almost drained of all of your blood, this whole process is just a bad idea (I promise you, he/she is not worth it).
Dr. P. C. Howard, Preternatural Expert
-P.S. Check back next Tuesday to learn about sirens and mermaids (yes, there is a difference). Also should you fear that you need to know about a certain creature ASAP, you may comment below this post asking me to include a chapter in my book.